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Handburgers are a popular treat used to keep kids mouths full for long periods of time. While created as an accident, the snack has obtained a legion of fans across the world, its popularity still growing as this is being typed.


Many sad moons ago there were no handburgers for feasting. This was a gloomy time, when chaos ruled and children could have children in the streets before supper. Luckily, order was restored with the handburger's creation. Legend has it that a young woman by the name of Margaret was suffering from an extreme hangover, and hey, who hasn't? While trying to prepare the handburgers retard cousin, the cheese burger, she accidentally put a human hand in place of the onion, and did not realize until she had bitten into it. The intoxicating flavor overwhelmed her, overwhelming her until she spat out her spine and quickly died. However, through years of selective breeding and Russian roulette, the human race eventually grew a species that could ingest the flavor of the handburger, while also staying alive, which was a very good thing. Handburgers are currently sold at every burger joint and gas station in town.

Preparing the Handburger[edit]

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Hey, nobody's perfect! If you haven't been passed down the recipe for the handburger by now, I can assume you're an orphan, giving me the right to laugh. Nonetheless, we have handburgers to cook, and there is nothing funny about a handburger, unless you dress it up with a hat and tie. In which case, it would be absolutely friggin' hilarious. The handburger is not easy to make. While it has strayed from its simple origins, its unique flavor lives on. The following ingredients are necessary.


  • One bun
  • One tomato slice
  • One onion
  • One slice of cheese
  • One slice of bacon
  • One human hand(vital)
  • One gas grill
  • Beer
  • One Queen CD, unless you're more of a Triumph guy (Note: It is crucial you have a CD and not a record. Record albums are more easily damaged by people under the influence of handburgers.)
  • And one ready made Hamburger (just in case it all goes wrong)

Make sure you do not grill the hand! It is vital that it remains raw, or it will loose precious flavors! Grill that bacon, though. After you've burnt everything, stack the items above (minus the last three) onto the buns. Congratulations! You have made your first handburger! And they said you'd never come of anything!


Some knockoff of the handburger, henceforth referred to as a handwhich, has been sweeping the country in an opposite direction of the handburger. This is causing conflicts with the fans, saying "This is not the original" and "This is just like how Chuck E Cheese ripped of McDonald's mascots!".

Handwhiches, unlike handburgers, substitute regular bread for the buns. Along with this, they are served cold and WITHOUT BACON. It is not known what horrible person would do such a thing, but evidence has it that Bert is probably behind it. The crafty bastard.


Some protesters claim that the handburger is a direct rip-off of the hamburger, which substitutes a beef patty for a hand, for those too squeamish to ingest one. However, it is not that of a rip-off, but more of a variation, like other types of burgers, it's just better.

Some vegetarians have complained that it is wrong to ingest human hands, or bacon. These people have also tried to steer supporters towards soy-burgers. These attempts have failed, and the vegetarians were promptly hung in the town hall. The handburger is safe once more!