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Durham is a small city located in the no-mans-land between the warring nations of Scotland and England. The River Wear flows through, under, and sometimes over the city.


Findings of an archaeological survey carried out during the Spring of 1998 indicate the presence of human activity in the area as early as 8000BC. The survey uncovered numerous artifacts, including a plastic bag with the word "Sainsbury's" written on both sides, a half-eaten Cadbury's creme egg, and a small, hairy man, who claimed was part of the excavation team, and had simply fallen asleep in one of the trenches. Each artifact was hydrogen dated (similar to carbon dating but cheaper) to confirm their estimated age of 10,000 years old.

The name Durham derives from the Anglo-Saxon words Dun; meaning cow, and Holm, meaning pat: the peninsula Durham is situated on is shaped like a cowpat. Another theory is that the place just stunk of shit.

Modern Day Durham[edit]

Durham has been under development for a number of years now, and today is home to an estimated three people. There are terrible overcrowding problems, and a government initiative (work of which is currently underway) has aimed to produce enough housing to solve the problem by the April of 2087. The work is being carried out by a morbidly obese builder named Colin.

There is a regular farmers market in Durham, where the finest quality farmers can be bought at affordable prices. The farmers are something of a delicacy in Durham, and are used in many dishes; though usually they are dried, ground up and sprinkled over the top to produce an almond-like flavouring.

Although the Cathedral itself now only consists of a few parts, things which were once housed inside it are still intact, and attract a great number of tourists to Durham. Popular attractions include: The Venerable Bead; part of a very old necklace, and the gravy (referred to by the locals as the "grave") of Saint Cuthbert; a delicious gravy of which the secrets are known only to him.

Durham University[edit]

Not the State of Maine. Durham University is a long established institution that, much like Oxford and Cambridge, works around a college-based system, not that we're not jealous of not getting in there, no siree-bob. Honestly! You know they offered me a place but I liked Durham so much more, I mean, who wants to have more than one nightclub in a city after all? And I hear those Oxbridge lot are all posh gits anyway!

Willis.jpg==Durham In The Popular Media==

Durham is occasionally used in films, of which arguably the most famous is Harry Potter, in which it plays the role of Hagrid's left testicle. Durham has been nominated for various left testicle related awards as a result of the Harry Potter films, but has lost each time to the bald head of guitarist Joe Satriani.