Beatles

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The Beatles were an Oasis tribute band and one of the most popular comedy routines of all time. Lots of girls would throw their knickers at them while they performed on-stage. Nobody knows how they managed to get them off in the crowd. This musical phenomenon of the 1960s went on to release pop songs with success until the Sixties finished. And if you can remember the Sixties, you're a liar.

The members were four irreverent Liverpudlians: John Lemon, Paul MacArtrey, Hari Georgeson, and 'Dingo' Starfish. Adolf Hitler was the original drummer, but was kicked out for his political views. The massive success of the group was quite big, though musically they were consistently in the Shadows of Kerman's Kermits and the Dave Clunk Six. They are often seen as an Oasis spin off band, capturing similar looks to that of Noel Gallagher and Liam Gallagher.


Birthday[edit]

Their story begins when tough young art student Len Johnson meets Paul McSpaniels on the top deck of a Liverpool bus. The two young lads found they were united in their love of "scuffle", a crude musical style devised by English songster Donnie Lonegan, and promptly named after a Liverpool night out.

Early Beatles[edit]

The two were sharing a Woodbine when somebody spoke, and they went into a dream. It was the morose, juvenile George Harrassedone, distinguished for his ability to play something on guitar that sounded like the Shadows. The two recognized someone they could pick on, and the dream of a top pop band was born. Quickly, they recruited good-looking Pete Worst, who owned a drum-kit and whose mum owned a van.

Before settling on the name that made them famous, the combo performed in many of their front rooms under a variety of names, including The Clay Men, Johnny and The Moptops, The Silver Bullets, The Big Three, The Fab Four and The Slaughterhouse Five, but their break came when, by fantastic chance, they won a residency at the local Cotton Club, owned by Pete's mum. Their radio broadcasts rocked Liverpool from coast to coast, and they immediately embarked on a major tour of a street in Hamburg.

There it was that, surrounded by sailors and prostititutes, a drunken Jack London appeared on stage naked in an enormous bun to make his epoch-making speech "Ich bin ein Hamburger". Living in a toilet and playing fourteen-hour shifts, the band fast became a killer rhythm section that smelled. Encouraged by local beatnik Astrid Gilberto, they brushed their hair forward in a devastating social comment that would change the world. Inspired by Buck Cherry and Huddy Bolly, they began to experiment with writing songs that sounded like Buck Cherry and Huddy Bolly.

Back in Liverpool young furniture salesman Gertrude Einstein was impressed by a young fan who entered his premises demanding "My Bunny", a German record by local heroes "The Bootles". "This is a furniture shop, idiot!" he quipped, leaving by the back door to buy 10,000 copies. Within hours he was at the Cotton Club, assuring the young hopefuls that their total sales of 10,001 guaranteed fame and that he would be their manager.

"Alright then, let's get it over with", famously responded the sardonic, tough Frankie Lymon, dropping his trousers and bending over. Then, overcome with rage and embarrassment on hearing that this was not Einstein's thing, he gave him a kicking, causing himself to fall over. "Much nicer", sighed Einstein dreamily, pausing only to sign the cloakroom girl before crawling off to look for Billy J Kramer. Einstein would become a greater pop impresario than Joe Meek, which was by the standards of the day a queer coincidence.

In 1960 Einstein tried to get his proteges a contract at Dickie Records but unfortunately his contact there was the man from Dickie Records. He tried everywhere and no-one accepted them, but in 1962 they went to Parlousphone's George Martin. Maplin agreed to sign the band as long as they didn't mention it to anyone, because he only did comedy records and groups were old hat. He impressed the band with the musical knowledge that had given the world "The Ying Tong Song", as well as his taste in neckwear. And he was posh.

With incredible musical discernment Martin George stipulated; "Just one thing, the drummer goes!" Quickly the group responded, and Worst, worsted, retired to sell woollens. As fans of The Monkees, the group had realised they had the cute one, the tough one and the quiet one but needed a daft one, and Worst was the wrong sort of daft. They are also said to have been influenced by the fact that his replacement, Drongo Stork, could play the drums. "Much, much better, boys", averred the avuncular Martlet, raising his eyebrows and sending out for a session musician.

The producer would later modify his opinion; "Other bands had bongos, but we had a drum-machine", he claimed, "There was never a take stopped because of Bingo". Paul McRamon concurred, calling Stork "the best drummer in the world - except me, obviously".

First Singles and First Album[edit]

Their first single, "Do Me, Love", earned them a disappointing Number 18, or 17 depending whom you pay, in the British charts, as well as a £50 obscenity fine. They were on their way to jump off a cliff when Brian Epstein came up with a cunning plan to save the day. He said, "Wait, what if we, and here's the intelligent part, what if we were to release another one that's good?" ...no wiser words of God were never revealed. They wrote "Please Slurp Me", a thinly disguised plea for consensual favours that was an instant chart-topper in Britain, or else number 2, depending who pays you.

Typical Beatles fan.

The novel hallmarks of the song, especially the Aeolian harp-playing and urgent, complaining voice of its tough, sardonic and, frankly, smirking lead singer, caused youngsters, who had recently realised nothing was going to happen, to get hysterical, wet their pants and wreck the joint. The Crickets were catapulted into media celebrity.

Their third single was no better than the first, but nobody wanted to stop. Anyhow, it was the first really sure sign of what would be one of the group's keys to success, a factor instantly called "the other side's just as good". And, just when another one that was merely OK would have finished them, they did two aces.

It took them only ten minutes to record their first album, for which they drew upon little known American material from acts such as Shangri and the Shirelles and Smokey Bacon and the Marvelettes. It contained all the elements that would make the band formulaic; Paul's ballad and rocker, Hari and Drongo's coy vocal features, Jock's tough, sardonic introspective side. Also, it was the first really sure sign of what would be one of the group's keys to success, a factor instantly called "there's something on there somewhere that any idiot could get to number one".

Second Album[edit]

Typical Beatles member.

This was the same as the first, except different songs, obviously, and the piano was further forward in the mix. It replaced its predecessor at the top, just as every Bartles single replaced its predecessor at the top. The band showed its vast versatility in its command of popular idioms in successive singles thus; swing beat, twist beat, twist beat, swing beat, twist beat, swing beat, twist beat. At that stage, however, Jag Mekon, who had always thought they did his songs too fast, started doing them slower and, what is more, the deep influence of Dylan Thomas caused him to give up the harmonica but wear a cap and do some in triple time.

Somewhere Over the Pond[edit]

While that happened, though, "I Want to be in your band" went to number one Stateside, pursued by its subtly lyrical predecessor, "She Loves You But I'll Get You". Previously the group had failed there, their successive releases leased to a variety of minor players. Now, suddenly, the Billgates chart looked like this;

1) The Beatles: Mein Bunny (Mockingbird)

2) The Beatles: Komm, Lass' mich kuss' dein Fuss" (Crapitall)

3) The Beatles: B side of the above (Verve Folkways)

4) The Beatles: B side of the above (Bankrupt Records)

5) The Beatles: Sie Liebt Dich, Ich Werde Dich Bekommen Aber (Deutsche Grammophon)

6) The Beatles: Slurp Me, Love (Hank's Hardware)

7) The Beatles: B side of the above (Shark)

8) The Beatles: Please Love Me (Turkey)

9) Frank Sumatra and Doris Dayglo; Aren't We Great!!?? (Reprehensible)

10 Annette Funicello: (I'm A) Sex Machine (Columbine)


Business interests released their albums with completely different titles in America, "Meet the Mopheads" was released as "Beat the Mopheads" and "Please Please Me" was released as "The Beatles' Second Album, or maybe the Third". It didn't go down well. In 1964 the Beatles agreed to appear on "The Ed Sullivan Show" and rocked the history books as being the most watched band of the 1960s. That night, the Ed Sullivan Show had the most viewers of its entire run (guesstimates are around ten or twelve people, we're not really sure).

Moving Pictures and Being Hectic[edit]

A performance on The Ed Sullivan Show goes terribly wrong.

Later that year a director named Mark Lester asked to make a movie about the band based on one of their sketches. The movie was called A Hard On A Night and was about a twenty-five hours a day, eight days a week account of being in a band, and fab and gear and loveable and funny. The boys did it as Lester had also been in "The Ying Tong Song" and he knew Pete's mum. The movie only lasted an hour and a half and therefore didn't really fulfill its objective. But the title song had a guitar chord and also a guitar solo that couldn't really be done. Also the urgent, complaining of the tough sardonic was this time complemented by the soaring melodic gift of McCutesie. The soundtrack album was the only 100% Lemon/McCranberry release, and was pretty d.g. so long as you did not play the other side (except for the two makeweight B sides, which were just as good). The Bobtails were film-stars. Lenin found he could be nasty to everyone and they liked it.

Their next album, called "Beatles For Sale" was weaker in that, around this time, the Beatles were in a hectic lifestyle and had to expand their usual twenty-five hours into twenty-seven hours, without sleeping. In order to do this, they had to clone themselves to go on a world tour. They never got around to cloning Ringo so they used a completely different drummer. This annoyed Imelda Magoo and her shoes so they went home, especially George. So we don't talk about "Beatles For Sale", and nobody is really sure if the right tracks were on it.

However, Jan Laminate always identified the album as the turning-point when he started getting real and also wore a cap. The commonly-held belief that that did not happen for another two albums is an optical illusion caused by the way the records were released in the USA, he said. He'd got a folkie guitar, and done the song "I'm a Fat Elvis", which was a cry from the heart. Stung by the idea that The Kinks, Stones and Yardbirds were heavier, he had started to slow it down and grunge it up a bit. But all they'd had otherwise was a couple of ill-rehearsed reject singles, a few cook-ups and 12-bars and an afternoonsworth of Hamburg cover-versions.

The next day Mark Lester contacted them again to make a movie about a twenty-five hours a day account of being in a band. They later learned that he had contracted amnesia so they agreed to it but asked that it would be filmed in colour and have a jolly plot. The movie was later titled YELP! after the working title "Four Hardons to Surprise You" was rejected for being too long.

The film was definitely not as good, but the album was good on both sides. Still somewhat lightweight, still sporting a couple of cover-versions, though one was only Dumbo's song and the other was an urgent complaining of the tough sardonic as done famously in "Shake and Scream". There were also a few fab waxings - and they speeded up John Rotten's heartfelt song again - but it was nevertheless unquestionably good, and he also did a more obviously Dylan Thomas thing, except with flutes: "I've Got to Love Your Hideaway" is now identified as about holidays in Spain, though only by gays, obviously. Hari G emerged as a writer, though he could not do singles properly yet. The only thing that McWhatsit did was "Yesterday".

Experimental Stage[edit]

The Retard Phase!

Their next two albums, "Stoned Soul Picnic" and "Revolving Room (Bad Trip)", moved the band fully into a more experimental stage. This was because they stopped touring, especially George, and started instead with - ah - recreational - ah - activities. Accidentally in an interview Jon had accidentally said "We're bigger than Elvis!". The entire population of America was in an outrage because they believed Elvis was extremely fat and Jim was an amateur. Jeff apologized and said Elvis was fatter really, and nobody was saying who was best. As it happens, the comment had totally overshadowed another controversy where Jack had stated that Elvis was fatter than Jesus. No-one believed him. Still, they stopped touring, and started recording at the rate of a song a day, as opposed to an album an hour.

Chatting with the Maharishi over tea following a stellar afternoon's shopping in Harvey Nicks

"Stoned Soul" seemed folky to the Americans, and caused The Burds and things, but it was just that the folky stuff had been held back there, like John said. It's obvious from the title they were ripping off something entirely different, but never mind. Wrongo did his own words and they were alright. Pal McCourtney played bass twice and yelled at his girlfriend while Joe did his Dylanthomas one. Gary did more alright songs and played the sitar, thus inventing acid rock. There were still a few leftovers from being fab, but at least they wrote them all. Needless to say, the rockers and ballads too, and the one that any idiot.

But it was the follow-up, "Revolution", that completed the transition, as the sixties had recently begun, assuming you were rich and in California. It was dead, dead good apart from maybe "Dr Robert", and nobody was sick of the Indian stuff yet. Standout track "She's Dead (My God, I Thought She Was English) completed the dragging grunge of urgent sardonic that Jake had started with "Hard Eight Nights" and "You Can't Do That (Or I'll Kill You)". But love instead, and extremely confused. This is shown by quotes from "The Tibetan Book of the Not Feeling Very Well" and Paul laughing backwards like a seagull. Paul later said that this was his best stuff and he had taken it nine times. Denko said he was best on drums then too. George said he could not remember as he was an Indian, but otherwise everybody agrees he played it backwards and caused Jimi Hendrix, so this is the best.

As far as singles went, the group could have sold a boot, so they stuck MacCavity in the studio with Martin George and Emerick and left him to whip up a few million-sellers by himself. He played the piano and thus emerged as in every way. Lebbon had promised himself a concept album, which was an album based on a concept, and very revolutionary. Ever since the introspective (though sardonic) "In My Town", he and Piano McCountry had dreamed of a whole album about their Liverpool childhood, except funny in places. However, whenever he tried to play the songs, his hands sank into the guitar and he got muddled.

Luckily they found an orchestra behind the sofa and it was right back to the studio for the boys. Freedom in the studio (a week a song) let the group craft the music of their 1967 album "Corporal Punishment's Lonely Heart Bypass". Their album was the first example of a "concept album" and contained "songs". Unfortunately it was the wrong concept for the songs. Here's why:

Joel Laban had completed a load of Liverpool songs. One which they had already recorded was about how the world ended when he smoked a Woodbine going to school, another, which they had not done yet, was about having nothing to do except walk around Liverpool and watch telly, while a third was about being up a tree and not knowing how to get down, which they had done twice and fixed together with tape. And he nearly had one for Bengo.

Meanwhile McCrabtree had one about a girl leaving home, which was not about that at all, stupid, another about a fireman in a barber's shop and a third called "Will You Divorce Me When I'm 64?". Geordie made it clear he would only do Indian stuff and Bonko could not think of anything at all. A single was needed and the only credible things that were ready were the one about the tree and the one about the fireman. So they put that out and bang went their concept.

Cleverly, McCarefree wrote the one about the Corporal, and somebody said do it twice and it will still sound conceptual. "It's not bloody going after my one about the world ending", said Jug, and, not to be outdone, wrote one about a circus and did that with tapes too. And so it was. A marvel of production, the biggest ever seller, but not as good. Which it would have been otherwise, like "Smile" and for the same reason. So there you are.

A Passage to India[edit]

In the middle of taking carrots one day it was George's idea to visit the Maharishi Chicken Korma Yogurt Taxi Driver Man in India and the rest of them agreed. The Maharishi was the head leader of a Indian tea/curry mediation association of hypnosis. However, it was here where they learned the tragic news: Gertrude Einstein had succumbed to relativity. The Beatles were crushed. The good news is that the tea wasn't that bad, and the curry was absolutely fantastic. But the Gulab Jamun gave them something bad. That's what you get for eating something you can't pronounce.

This tragedy was echoed in their panned TV film This Was All Paul's Idea Anyway which was about running away from a London bus named "Desire." In this film, either Pal or Jim, nobody really knows, it was probably Ram George Shri, maybe even Ringpull, thought they were a Walrus. This happened because they were hypnotized by the Maharishi Yogurt, known as Sexie Sadie. The other three Beatles thought they were rotten eggs, and that yellow mustard was dripping from their eyes. Later in one of the beatles songs titled "Stinky Onion", Jam said that the Walrus was Plum, but everybody thought Pablo was dead, so nobody believed him. Later after The Beatles broke up, and John went solo, he claimed in one of his songs "I was the walrus, but now I am John". This is probably true because he did go to therapy.

Paul tried to take over, but it made them all hate him. The reason they did a song a week now was that the few songs they did were a week long. Only "You Know My Name (Look Up My Mary Jane) has survived, and no wonder. They did all their own stuff by themselves, and even Eric Clapton. Some of it was atrocious, but they were tired of the contract as it had spoiled their Liverpool childhood. Hence the therapy.

Drawing a Blank[edit]

In 1968 appeared the double album that the band initially decided to call the Blank Album, later re-titled The Bible. The Blank Album was later interpreted as the foretelling of a great war called Helter Skelter by the great prophet Charlie Brown. Everyone thought he was a blockhead (common misinterpreted as "insane") but he had the last laugh when his prediction came true on April 29th, 1992.

Around this time, tired of getting shafted by all the greedy record companies, they decided to form a different kind of company founded upon their highest ideals that would attract young, untarnished talent to the industy and so, at last they could be the ones doing the shafting instead, though only for tax purposes. They christened this famous company the "Apple Cores", and began at once selling computers and portable music playing devices.

Winding Down[edit]

File:Abbey road.gif
Paul and the boys on the Abbey Road Communal Treadmill®

In 1968 Johnny met Hitler's half-Japanese daughter named Okie Nono Hitler at a cheap art show and they decided to get married straight away. They divorced days later and John married Yokel Onion. She contributed to an altogether sense of togetherness between the members of the band who enjoyed playing games with her. This all eventually backfired when Ringo was suffocated when the fab four were engaged in a dirty hide and seek romp with Yokel under a big white sheet (she farted), captured live on film during an interview in 1968 and only increasing the notoriety of Yokel Onion who was fondly immortalised in the memory of Western culture.

This led to the Beatles becoming heralded as an 'alternative' cult phenomenon. However many critics have considered them to be lacking genuine talent, relying on shocking their audience with bursts of noise which are of little aesthetic value and opportunistically riding the coat-tails of Onion and others.

They then planned to make a movie called "Get Back, Honky Cat" about the band rehearsing, recording and performing an entire album, but it wasn't very well planned and it took so long that they realised releasing the album "Get Back, Honky Cat" wasn't a really good idea now so they left it in the hands of a madman who completely altered the play list and completely changed everything about all the songs, including the lyrics. Everybody left except McKlein, so he left.

As they could not possibly stop with that one, and the Sixties were nearly finished, the Beatles began working on what was to be their last album called "Crosswalk at Abbey Street". After this album they went their separate ways and "Leave It Be", the madman's version of "Get Back, Honky Cat" was released. See "Beatles For Sale".

"Abbey Crunch" was as good as "Reveloving Door", except by then the words had stopped making any sense at all. And it was later, so it does not count. But by then, under the spell of James Hendricks Marshallcabinet, whom Hari had conjured with mantras and playing backwards, everybody decided that even three chords were a bit much, and you did not need songs. Led Zeppelin and Kiss were invented and everybody got rid of the harpsichord, which was a mistake as only Jimi was really good at it. Although the Seventies was the Sixties for everybody else, in fact the dream was over. Jimi and some other people died and the rest got drunk. The control freaks had been right all along and, discovering that the kids did not want the system, they sold it to themselves.

Beatle Juice[edit]

After McCartney's tragic death, scientists started working on cloning so that they could bring back all of The Bealtes in the, hopefully, near future. It has been confirmed that the bodys of John, Paul and Geroge are all stuck in Some Dude's freezer while they make sure the cloning machine works. They have already cloned Michael Jackson and Elton John... (Despite Elton screaming that he wasn't even dead while they were cloning him) and have confirmed that sometime in 2012 they will clone all 3 Beatles. Ringo, been immortal and such, will NOT be cloned...However, Pete Best will. If the cloning fails then the scientist's have confirmed that they will be putting them all in a (yellow) blender and making them into Beatle Juice. This will be sold to whoever will buy it, but won't be consumable. You can, however, place it in a beautiful glass vase on your mantle peice next to your Grandma's ashes. (No refunds!)

"Everyone But Paul Is Dead"[edit]

The Beatles, shortly after the rumours of Paul McCartney's nondeath started circulating.

Before the group broke up, a fateful telephone call was made to an obscure Minneapolis radio station. A scientist informed shocked DJ's that a subliminal message in the group's albums revealed that everyone but Paul is dead. Earlier everybody thought Paul was the one dead, but they weren't sure and didn't know why. The news sent shockwaves through the world music community. Everybody was very confused.

Ringo was the first to go. The first to go. because in 1963, on the cover of Without the Beatles, Ringo's face is clearly not in line with those of his fabulous bandmates. On the cover of the A Hard On's Night EP, George is the only one with his back to the camera in any of the pictures, and he's the only one holding a cigarette. It's believed only George was distinguished on these covers because whatever entity was responsible for placing the clues decided the group's young fans might have trouble figuring out which pair of Beatles had died; John & Paul, or George & Ringo. On the cover of the Yelp! album, the Beatles hold their arms in semaphore positions, but rather than spelling Y-E-L-P as one might expect, it spells H-E-L-P? That meant an untimely death had befallen John and he had been replaced. In "I'm Looking Through You", Paul sings of the state of his friends and coworkers: "You don't look different, but you have changed...You don't sound different, I've learned the game/I'm looking through you, you're not the same."

Post Sgt. Lt. Pepper's work distinguishes Paul as the only surviving original member. One of the many figures on the cover of that album holds a hand over Paul's head, as if to bless him, and on the reverse, he is shown with his back to the camera.

All The Beatles fans were actually brainwashed into believing Paul was dead (they believe he was squashed as he roamed the town in this superhero beatle form), but the scientist showed proof, all was finally understood.

Then another scientist examined these claims and discovered that it was all a hoax.

Reunion[edit]

The Beatles made a come back tour with Paul, Justin Beiber and two unidentified musicians.

See also[edit]

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External links[edit]

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